10 Easy Lifestyle Changes . . . oh spare me

Standard

“Get up 30 minutes earlier and use the time to write.”

“Take a five minute power nap.”

“Rearrange your bedroom for better sleep.”

“Eat this new power food!”

“Power walk your way to health with this new Apple Watch app.”

And the perennial favorite: MEDITATE! MEDITATE! MEDITATE!

Put a sock in it.

Most or all of the Change Your Life tips are written by upper middle class mommy bloggers or “lifestyle coaches” (a pox on them) who do not now and have ever lived anything approximating my life.

“Get up 30 minutes earlier . . .” Girl it took me 4 hours to fall asleep due to my crippling insomnia and nothing but an impending bladder burst is getting me out of bed 30 minutes early.

“Take a five minute power nap.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I just told you it takes me four hours to fall asleep.

“Rearrange your bedroom . . .” It’s already arranged so that the bed is in the least noisy part of the room, and my furniture is real, not from IKEA. You come move it.

Power food. My grocery stores sells 80% lean ground beef, white bread, white pasta, white rice, pallid tomatoes, iceburg lettuce, and bananas.

Apple watch app . . . if I could afford an Apple watch, I’d live in your neighborhood and we could power-walk together.

Meditate–my faux Buddhist ex-husband ruined that for me when he screamed FIX YOUR MIND in my face when I said I can’t not think about anything.

Power walk down from your ivory tower to my world, where I sleepwalk through the day, hang old curtains over other curtains because my neighbor’s boyfriend is a pervert, where rinsed canned beans are a power food, where meditation invokes terrorizing old ghosts.

After we hang the old curtains and check from the outside that HE can’t see in, let’s plant a spoiled tomato in a ten gallon bucket and see if anything grows.

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