I’ve known that since I was 12 or 13. I don’t want to talk about the family harassment, being outed, coming out this month. I want to want to talk about assumptions people make about me and LGBT people in general.
I just left a Twitter thread about unhealthy foods, artificial sugars, allergies, and local honey. Yeah, some of us are interested in health, natural diets. Some of us have health problems–asthma and allergies, in my case–that might be eased by homeopathic remedies like local honey. In conjunction with the inhalers and antihistamines prescribed by my GP. I had to back out of the thread when someone declared that “It’s all the stuff the LGB+ are pushing on our kids in school.”
I promise you, I have nothing to do with the science, health, and nutrition that your kids are learning in school.
If I did, I’d probably be in trouble for suggesting local honey.
When you’re going through a severe depressive episode, a can’t get out of bed or even if you do can’t get out of nightclothes episode, you lose the will/strength/motivation to:
Brush your teeth
Wash your hair
Tweeze your eyebrows/shave (whatever basic grooming routine you have.)
This makes you more depressed because you feel gross. you feel bad about being gross, you don’t want other people to see you in your gross state, and you put yourself down for being unable to do such simple things. Brushing your teeth. You know that not brushing your teeth is harming your teeth and gums, but you can’t work up the energy to do it. You can’t go out because you’re gross. You’re lucky if you have someone who understands and can go out for you. You, of course, don’t see people. If you have close neighbors, you stay in the house. Every day you drag yourself out of bed and tell yourself, “Today/tonight I am going to clean myself up. I’m going to shower. I’m going to put on clean clothes. I’m going to change my sheets.” Day after day, night after night, you “fail.” You go back to bed hating yourself a little more.
“Normal” people cannot comprehend your inability to get yourself together and obviously don’t want to be around you. You don’t want to be around yourself.
I don’t have a smart solution to this depression symptom because it is just that, a symptom of a larger, ongoing health issue. When I hit this level of depression, the only thing that makes me “straighten up” is a doctor’s appointment. And that’s agonizing, a sleepless night followed by hours of effort to make yourself decent for the doctor.
Depression is not a phase, game, ploy, it’s not malingering to “get out of” Doing Adult Things. It’s not a trick to get out of doing high school or middle school or senior citizen things. It’s an illness. It’s an illness that starts in the mind and affects the body. And you’re not alone. So, so many of us regularly go through these depressive episodes, and it’s not your fault.
I wanted a copy of the Mueller Report. So did my mom. Her eyesight is poor and her glasses are old, so I wanted a version we could both read. I found a large print copy on Amazon for $10. We have Amazon Prime because we live in a shopping dead zone . . . if Walmart doesn’t have it, we have to order it, and our tastes and needs go far beyond Walmart. Also, our budget is such that the $13/month Amazon Prime charge is less than the cost of the gas it would require to drive to Walmart.
SO, I ordered the large print copy of the Mueller Report on Wednesday. It arrived yesterday, Friday, June 7. It’s a big book!
It’s super easy to read (as confirmed by Mom). The paper is similar to high-quality newsprint. You cannot beat the price and quality if text size is a concern.
Get it. Every American should read it. Everyone in the world should read it.
I took a long hiatus from blogging due to health reasons and because I needed to re-evaluate my blog topics. I debated starting over with a new blog, but that didn’t feel right. I had shingles, diagnosed the first week of April, but it started the last week of March. I had shingles for about 10 days before I went to the ER. I had a weird rash on my rib cage, but it didn’t hurt. I had been told by people who had shingles that it was accompanied by intense pain. I woke up two nights in a row with a band of nerve pain across my upper torso. Then the rash appeared. I had no pain. I finally made myself go to the hospital. “That’s shingles,” the doctor said. I asked him why I had no pain. “You’re very lucky,” he replied. I took an anti-viral for 10 days. After the rash and blisters faded, I had a couple of episodes of total exhaustion where I slept for two to three days. I seem to have gotten over that.
Less than a month after I recovered from shingles, I found a tick on my right foot. I’ve had many tick bites. I removed the tick, but the bite became infected. I’m almost finished with the antibiotics. I also got a tetanus booster at the ER because my last booster was in October 2011.
I’ve let my hair grow out. My hair stylist of seven years suddenly took issue with the fact that I am not overtly religious and dropped me as a client. I feel weirdly like myself of 10 years ago.
I’ve made new friends who are actual friends. It feels weird and scary after my experiences of the last nine years.
I’m almost ready to restart the job search, as freelancing is no longer providing me with a sufficient income.
I came out as bisexual last night in response to some extreme homophobia on Twitter. It wasn’t planned. It was just time, for me.
I look at my blog to date and see it as a valuable record of growth over years, like rings on a felled tree.
In the web that is my own, I begin again.
I wish that we could have a #paganchat on Twitter
I don’t feel that it will ever happen because too many people are still keeping their pagan/Wiccan/witchcraft beliefs hidden for fear of being ostracized and mocked. That sucks. There is a vibrant pagan community on Twitter that includes people from all traditions and solitaries like myself. There are hardcore reconstructionists and people who follow modern belief systems. People who worship the old gods. People who practice witchcraft with no religious leanings. People who are solely interested in Tarot.
Wouldn’t it be great if we could all talk? And not in a private, disorganized DM room, because we don’t have anything to hide. Right out in front of all of Twitter at the same time on the same day every week.
I would love to make this happen. If you’re interested, leave your Twitter username and a comment. If there’s already a chat like I’ve described, please clue me in so I can join!
I suspended my GoFundMe after we got a loan to pay the water bill and after my mom told me that we wouldn’t have a water bill this month. She also told me that she had refinanced one of the auto loans she got into when I was living in New York and that basically this was a “we can breathe” month.
What she did not tell me about was a balloon payment to the GAS company that she had been “paying on” since last summer and not telling me about. I was making a household budget each month and she was hiding a bill. She is having cognitive difficulties.
So now I’m up the creek again and need help. If you can.
I just can’t take nonstop motivational quotes anymore because they’re a lot of horseshit. Whether people accept it or not, sometimes circumstances beyond your control–sometimes circumstances that begin before your birth–trap you in situations you cannot get out of no matter how hard you try.
Sometimes you seek help from every source that is supposed to be devoted to helping people get out of bad situations and back on your feet and human beings just don’t do their jobs. Maybe it’s because they look at you and see nothing worth helping.
And sometimes, what destroys you is trying so hard to help someone else who refuses all your efforts because they’d rather live in a way that hurts them and everyone around them. No, I won’t ever accept it, I’ll keep fighting it, but I know I’ll never win because no one can help a person determined not to give up an ounce of “control.” No one will win. Everyone will live in misery every day. That’s going to be the rest of my life.